Anger is an emotion that we all experience, but rarely like to discuss. There are many “faces” of anger. Whether or not someone can identify with having occasional “road rage,” arguing regularly with a family member, avoiding conflict at all costs, or having a genuine “anger management problem,” feelings of guilt and embarrassment often make it difficult to talk openly about anger. Even in a society where anger and violence are regularly portrayed and even glamorized in the media, many people feel isolated by their struggle with anger.
Several things happen when we experience anger: heart rate and blood pressure increase, hormone levels change, and we experience a boost in adrenaline. For some people, this may trigger an urge to get away from a person or situation. For others, it may feel like an urge to argue or fight. Sometimes, it may feel overwhelming to the point where we are not sure what to do, and we “freeze up.”
Often, people experience and express anger in a healthy way. Anger can help us understand ourselves better and communicate important thoughts and feelings. According to psychologist Harriet Lerner, “Anger is the emotion that lets us know when our needs are not being met, or when we have been wronged or trespassed.” Anger is, in some ways, a necessary survival instinct. The physiological effects of anger can serve to protect people from harm when they are in real danger. However, anger can sometimes lead to thoughts and actions that are harmful to the angry individual and his or her family, friends, or coworkers. Often, intense anger drives other people away due to intimidation and fear. Especially for children, being around someone whose anger is “out of control” can lead to emotional and behavioral problems. Children are often unable to understand why others act out in anger, and often blame themselves for having somehow caused an angry reaction. Unfortunately, when someone is unwilling to take responsibility for their actions when angry, will tell children “You made me mad”, or “If it wasn’t for you/what you did, I wouldn’t have reacted that way.” The children may then “act out what they can’t talk out”, repeating the pattern towards others to not feel powerless, or may “act in”, redirecting the anger into passivity, learned helplessness, chronic self-doubt, health problems, etc.
It is important to see anger as a healthy, natural, normal feeling. It may sometimes feel like anger is not “normal” because of the problems conflict creates. However, if we understand that it is okay to feel angry, it becomes much easier to make changes to how we express anger. The key to managing anger is to remember that it’s okay to feel angry it’s what we do when angry that can be considered “right” or “wrong”.
As with any challenge, the first step to making positive changes is to admit that there is a problem. Sometimes it takes other people—friends, coworkers, family members, or even a court official—to help us realize that something must change. Whether someone voluntarily arrives at the decision to change an anger response or is told that he or she must change, it is possible to make healthy changes and regain personal/emotional control.
Managing and controlling one’s anger is a skill that can be learned, just as riding a bicycle, fixing a car, or planting a garden. There is no single best strategy for learning anger management or conflict resolution skills. Some people are able to make positive changes in their anger response once they begin to understand why they are angry. For many people, it feels safer and more familiar to be angry instead of recognizing feelings of sadness or fear. Getting to the root of angry feelings may allow a person to have a greater understanding of why he or she reacts with anger, and to take a closer look at the underlying feelings and motivations.
Some people regain control over their anger by learning what their triggers are, and creating strategies to see the warning signs before things get out of control. Often, our bodies give us these clues before we may actually realize that we are angry. Studies have shown that when children and adults are able to identify these cues, it can help prevent an angry outburst or confrontation. For example, training the body to calm down physically by consciously slowing down one’s breathing and heart rate can then be used to obtain and maintain control, as well as find more healthy and productive ways to manage anger.
If you are experiencing anger that feels out of control, or if others are telling you that they feel intimidated or frightened when you become angry, it may be time to get some help from a knowledgeable, compassionate professional. It’s never too late to make a new beginning.
Daniel Renstrom, LMSW, of Vision Counseling, PLLC in Kalamazoo, is a clinical social worker that has worked for more than 17 years with children, teenagers, and adults to help them understand their behavior and how to make effective, positive change.