If your friend or loved one has a problem, should you try to get them to get help? Of course. But even more importantly, get help yourself and see what happens.
When someone you love is in trouble, you may naturally tend to feel a sense of urgency and want to jump in to help. When you do this it is easy to unknowingly become part of the problem. Nowhere is this more true than in the problem of addiction. You have probably been giving to and helping them for many years. Most people don’t want to hear that the best way to help is to take care of themselves, but it’s true. Taking care of yourself is essential, and it can help you respond more effectively.
Let’s get clearer about the problem. What is addiction? There are addictions to behaviors, such as: sex, gambling, spending, food, work, religion and the Internet. There are chemical addictions, for example: alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, uppers/downers, narcotics, and nicotine. And there are relationship addictions: codependency, and love addiction.
An addiction has two core symptoms: preoccupation and loss of control. The addicted person can’t stop thinking about the object of their addiction (the drink, the behavior, or the person), and feels unable to stop behaving in ways that don’t work and that cause them pain. Life becomes centered around the addiction and this changes all their relationships.
Let’s look at chemical addictions. The later stage of chemical dependency (alcoholism, drug addiction) is obvious enough that most of us know it when we see it. The person drinks/drugs too much, and they drink/drug when it is inappropriate or harmful to do so. The person may have lost jobs, family, money, friends and self-respect. Their personality has changed, they are hard to be around, and they become physically ill because of the chemical use. The alcohol or drug is the center of their life and they are out of control.
Let’s look at another addiction—codependency. It can occur in the alcoholic person and in all other family members, and has sometimes been known by other names – co-addiction, love addiction. The codependent pattern can be hard to identify. It happens in families where there is addiction or mental illness, significant health problems, or violence, or in families that have learned codependence as a way of life. A core symptom of this condition is when a person is out of touch with their own wants, needs and feelings. Usually they are “other-focused” and depend on being needed for their self-esteem. Often described as controlling or bossy, they are over-responsible, stressed and tired. They can even become physically ill, because of the stress. They also are preoccupied and out of control. Their lives are not their own.
Anyone can become addicted. No one really knows for sure what causes addiction, but research more and more suggests a combination of factors – genetics, family emotional and social history, and a current triggering event or series of events. It is common for addicted people to have other problems, too, like depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder, and trauma histories. Multiple addictions are common.
Here is part of a sample self-test for alcoholism: (Substitute other chemicals or behaviors, as it fits you)
- Can you stop drinking without a struggle after one or two drinks?
- Does your husband/wife, child, parent, or other close relative ever worry about or complain about your drinking?
- Do you feel bad/guilty about your drinking?
- Do you try to limit your drinking to certain times of the day or to certain places?
- Do you buy liquor at different places so no one will know how much you purchase?
- Have you lost friends, jobs, etc. because of drinking.
- Have you ever been hospitalized for the effects of drinking or due to medical problems caused by drinking?
- Have you often wanted to reduce or quit, but haven’t been able to do so.
(Please note that this is only part of a longer list. Several “yes” answers means it is time to learn more and to seek guidance from a professional.)
Here’s part of a sample self-test for codependency:
- I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
- I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
- I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
- I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
- I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
- I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
- I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
- I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
- I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
- I might use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
(Please note that this is only part of a longer list. Several “yes” answers means it is time to learn more and to seek guidance from a professional.)
This last century has seen great advances in our understanding and ability to help those with addictions. Alcoholics Anonymous (for the alcoholic) and Alanon (for a codependent family member or friend) started a trend of self-help and support groups that has multiplied and become a way of life for many in this country. At least in the large cities, it is possible to find a support group for just about any problem one faces. The helping professions (social work, psychology, medicine, etc.) have followed the lead of AA and have developed many helpful therapies that work well.
If you think that you or a loved one has a problem with addiction (including codependency), here are a few things to keep in mind. Addictions do a great deal of social and relationship damage. This leads to large amounts of shame and guilt, which are the biggest road blocks to people getting the help they need. Because of that emotional pain, it can be hard to reach out. Very few manage to recover on their own, so it is important to keep at it, and keep starting over if necessary. People find different ways to recover, but research clearly supports the combination of counseling and a 12-step support group as the most effective means for most.
A common pattern I see is that family members want help for someone else in their family and don’t recognize their own need for support and/or recovery. They often feel helpless, or are so caught up in the crisis and the drive to make their loved-one well, that they get tunnel-vision. They either become controlling and try to force the loved one to get help, or they give up. The answer is actually in the middle of these two extremes. There is a lot that a loved one can do, and it’s very powerful, but it may not be what you would expect. Here’s a list of what you can learn (with help) that will assist you in taking care of yourself, and also help you to respond in the best way to a loved one who has a problem.
- I don’t stop caring, but I learn that I can’t make someone else’s decisions.
- I learn how to stop blaming and instead set my own healthy boundaries and change my own destructive behaviors.
- I learn how to stop fixing, and how to appropriately support another person.
- I learn how to stop protecting, and let my loved one face reality.
- I learn to fear less and love more, and I no longer blame myself for my loved one’s pain or problems.
- I learn how to confront with love, not with resentment.
What works is for the first person in a family who becomes concerned to get help for themselves and stick with it. There are countless stories of families in which one brave person did this, and another family member became ready and sought help a few months or years later….. then another….. then another. Recovery breeds recovery. The hardest part is the patience and the persistence, and the courage to change. The place to start is with the person who is first able to see and feel the problem. Seeking a consultation and evaluation from a therapist who is familiar with addictions is a good place to start.