Negative Life Patterns

by George Lockwood, Ph.D.

This article is based upon a therapeutic approach called Schema Therapy developed by Jeffrey Young, Ph.D. and a self-help book base on this approach entitled Reinventing Your Life: How To Break Free of Negative Life Patterns and Feel Good Again, by Jeffrey Young, Ph.D. and Janet Klosko, Ph.D.

Are you repeatedly drawn into relationships with people who are cold to you? Do you feel that even the people closest to you do not care or understand enough about you?
Do you feel that at your core you are somehow defective, that no one who truly knows you could possibly love and accept you?
Do you put the needs of others above your own, so your needs never get met—and so you do not even know what your real needs are?
Do you find that no matter how much public acclaim or social approval you receive, you still feel unhappy, unfulfilled, or undeserving?
Do you sacrifice relaxation and fun because you are always trying to do your best?

We call negative life patterns like these Early Maladaptive Schemas (schemas for short). I will be presenting a series of articles which will describe the 18 most common schemas, show you how to recognize them, and how to change them. I will discuss steps you can take to work on change yourself, how to know if you need help, and describe the process of Schema Therapy. This first article will provide an introduction and overview.

A schema is a pattern of feelings, thoughts and ways of interacting with others that starts in childhood. It begins when something is done to us by our parents or by other children and reverberates throughout our life. We were abandoned, abused, deprived, criticized or in some other way hurt. The schema becomes a part of who we are. Long after we leave home we unwittingly continue to create situations in which we are ignored, put down, abused or controlled. Schemas can trigger strong feelings such as sadness, anxiety and anger and can do damage to our relationships and our careers. Our most cherished desires for unconditional love, belonging, self-acceptance, freedom, security or a sense of spontaneity and joy are continually thwarted.

Even though schemas result from emotional pain and recreate pain they become comfortable in a way. They are our sense of home. They provide a sense of security through keeping us grounded in who we are and what the world is like and we cling to them even when they hurt. For this, and some other reasons I will talk about later, schemas do not change quickly and easily.

In Dr. Jim Cowart’s article on Social Phobia, he discussed the signs, causes and treatment for this disorder. Disorders such as this may or may not have roots in a schema. If you have a disorder involving anxiety or depression which does, it will be important to both have tools to cope with the symptoms (such as those provided by standard cognitive behavioral therapy) and help to identify and change the underlying schema (such as those provided by Schema Therapy).

How do you know if you are being hurt by a schema?

Below is a list of common signs of a schema impacting your life:

You are drawn to the same type of partner over and over but your needs aren’t met.
You overreact to the same kind of situation (i.e., you have an “emotional button”)
You are stuck in some area of your life but can’t change.
You have low self- confidence.
You have constant conflict in your relationship.
You have physical or emotional problems.
You suffer from addictions

Which schemas do you have?

The 18 schemas can be grouped into 5 areas which correspond to 5 major kinds of emotional needs we all have. Getting to know them will help you begin to recognize which of your needs have not been sufficiently met.

Disconnection and Rejection
This group of schemas involves our need to arrive in a safe, stable and warm “nest” in which we feel a sense of love and belonging. They correspond to five of our earliest needs and in this sense are the most important and basic. The schemas in this group are:
1. Abandonment/Instability
2. Mistrust/Abuse
3. Emotional Deprivation
4. Defectiveness/Shame
5. Social Isolation/Alienation
Other-directedness
This group of schemas pertains to our need to emerge as a distinct and unique person in the midst of being loved and accepted... to simultaneously be both separate (our own person) and close.
1. Subjugation
2. Self-sacrifice
3. Approval-seeking/Recognition-seeking
Impaired Limits
These schemas are related to, amongst other things, the need to develop a sense of give and take in our relationships; understanding that others have needs as important as our own.
1. Entitlement/Grandiosity
2. Insufficient Self-control/Self-Discipline
Overvigilance and Inhibition
This group of schemas relates to the need to internalize a set of guidelines and goals that orient us and give shape to our self expressions and allow for a sense of flow rather than shackle and burden us.
1. Negativity/Vulnerability to Error
2. Emotional Inhibition/Overcontrol
3. Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness
4. Punitiveness
Impaired Autonomy and Performance
Once we have had our more basic needs met it is time to have help leaving the nest and venturing out into the world so that we can develop a sense of confidence in handling day to day problems and a sense of mastery in some area.
1. Dependence/Incompetence
2. Vulnerability To Harm or Illness
3. Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self
4. Failure

In future articles I will go into more detailed descriptions of each schema.

Changing Schemas

Schema Therapy is a recently developed extension of cognitive therapy specifically designed to help you change these deeply ingrained patterns. It is an integration of cognitive, behavioral, interpersonal, and experiential (emotion based) techniques. It engages your (and your therapist’s) mind, will, heart, and gut level feelings into the therapy process. In this was it draws on the strengths of the many fine therapeutic approaches available and puts them to work synergistically within one unifying framework.

A basic outline of the therapy process follows

Step One: Recognition

Identify and feel your schemas. See how they play themselves out in everyday situations.
Step Two: Thinking

Build a case against your schema. Change your beliefs. (This step involves strategies drawn from cognitive therapy.)
Step Three: Feeling

Get angry at those who helped create your schemas. Empower yourself. Validate your needs. (This step involves experiential techniques such as guided imagery that help you connect with gut level feelings)
Step Four: Love and Limit Setting

Learn how to find and reach out to the people in your life who can help meet your core emotional needs. (Depending on how much you have been hurt a therapist may be the first person you begin to connect with in this way.)
Step Five: Behavior

Break down your schemas into manageable steps. Change your patterns one at a time.
Step Six: Forgiveness

Forgive those who helped create your schemas, if you can.

In the next article I will talk about the emotional deprivation schema. I will start there because of all the 18 it is the most common yet is the one people are least likely to be aware of. In this respect, it is one of the most damaging. I will discuss why it is so prevalent and why it is so easily missed. I will also outline steps you can take to find out if you have it and steps you can take to change it.