Welcome to the Hades of the Holidays
by David Linn, ACSW, LMFT, BCD
What?! What's this about Holiday Hell?! Isn’t this the time of year for Noel, Santa Claus, eight days of giving, and Good Will to All, when families get together in peace and harmony with a sense of generosity and joyfulness?
Well, yes. And, no. The Holidays are also a time of high levels of domestic violence, bankruptcy and divorce.
How can this be? We suddenly believe we can remake ourselves out of a Norman Rockwell painting. Holiday spirit requires that lives that are often difficult should be transformed into bliss by bright colored lights and a little snow. Even the most practical and sensible of us fall for it.
Essentially, dear carolers, we carry around a highly romanticized picture of the Holidays and feel we must relentlessly convey warmth, brightness, and good feeling. We can't pull it off. We can't do it with ourselves and we can't do with others. This failure leaves us disappointed and irritable and puts unbearable tension on this "perfect" time of year. (No wonder January is a busy time of year for me. Burnout and credit card bill stress keep my phone ringing.)
Ask yourself this: Why do perfectly reasonable people expect tranquility when sitting around out of their routine for too many days, spending too much money, eating and drinking excessively with people they rarely see and with whom they may have mixed feelings or long-term family "issues"?
The answer is: they shouldn't, and you shouldn't either. Idealistic perfectionism is always dangerous. And the Holidays are the epitome of it. Yes, please enjoy your family and have fun with your plans and activities but also recognize that this season is not a panacea for the rest of the year.
With this in mind the following is my advice for avoiding the Holiday Blues:
- Limit expectations concerning seasonal plans and activities. Your level of effort and the appreciation you will receive will always fall short of your anticipation.
- Do not expect your family and your relatives to be any different. Your spoiled little sister will continue to sit and smile sweetly as you sweat over the dishes. People tend to behave worse over the Holidays rather than better. The usual family roles and the usual family disappointments remain the usual family disappointments.
- Negotiate and try out new seasonal rituals. Must all the presents be opened Christmas day? Is it absolutely essential that it be turkey rather than ham?
- Plan to fill empty time with flexible activities. Remember boredom and inactivity brings out the worst in all of us.
- Limit alcohol intake. Little disappointments when under the influence soon become big conflicts.
- If you are a guest, offer to pitch in. Even if it is only a gesture you will be on the host's A team for the season.