Power in Intimate Relationships: or Who’s on Top

by David Linn, ACSW, LMFT, BCD

We tend to want to avoid consideration of the issues of power in our primary relationships. After all, we are romantic beings wanting to believe that love is enough for harmony. We tend to think thusly, “if you love me you will understand my needs and meet them”.

Whether we want to admit it or not power and power struggles are a daily part of relationships. I define power struggles as “conflicts over opposing positions that require shared action”. The need for joint action requires the joining of “yours” and “mine” into “ours”. If this process proceeds smoothly then each individual feels well represented and, hence, validated. However, as we know, it frequently does not work this way. I mean, who does not want their way? If the basic psychological unit is the self, then we must want control over “our” lives. Most individuals are not automatically obedient to a relationship. Nevertheless, intimate relationships require adjustment from individual need fulfillment. The direction of this adjustment is towards surrender or at least compromise.

Marriages are what I call “horizontal” relationships while, to make a distinction, nuclear families are “vertical” in that power in decision making flows down from the parents to the children. In marriages power is not innately driven, it is rather developed through the interactions and negotiations of the mates.

Clearly, the nature and form of these negotiations, what I call “the dialogue” are essential to relational satisfaction. The relationship must find ways to support each individual while enabling practical decision-making.

Some mates have great difficulty in the give-and-take of successful dialogue. The sharing of power may make them anxious and controlling because of the fear of losing their sense of safety. These people tend to dominate decision-making forcing subordination (read “surrender”) upon their mates who experience them as rigid, authoritarian and “always right”.

Is this you? Must you have the power? Answer these four short questions:

  • Do you get defensive very early in a discussion?
  • Do you cease listening to your mate’s point of view?
  • Do you rehearse your own position even while your mate is talking?
  • In your own mind do you hear nothing of value in your mate’s position?

If you answer yes to these questions your relationship could be in trouble.

When power struggles dominate deep resentments may occur putting relationship stability at risk. The more conciliatory partner pays close attention to a pattern of diminished representation. If this continues too long bad things can happen.

So let’s avoid all that.

You “control freaks” try these tips when in discussion with your mate:

  • Rephrase your mate’s point of view in your mind or, even better, out loud with reflective listening
  • In your mind take the best part of your mate’s position and put it with yours
  • Create a solution instead of just holding on to a position
  • Recognize that a validated mate is a generous mate and that working together is the ultimate form of safety

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Articles by David E. Linn, LMSW, ACSW, LMFT

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