Attachment, Boundaries and the Anxious Child
by Sharon Cipriano-Galbreath, MA, LLP
Today I want to talk about the Anxious Child, how this child attaches and what characteristics these children demonstrate, and the information we need to assist them toward healthy engagement with themselves and with others.
Here are some early indications of the Anxious Child:
- Baby has trouble being soothed.
- Baby is restless, demanding and cries a lot. Parents are unable or unsure what is bothering the baby.
- Baby has trouble with formula and sometimes, breast milk.
- Baby wants to eat more often and frequently spits up. They want to be soothed but the frequent eating causes stomach issues.
- Gastrointestinal issues develop. When the doctor treats these issues, the Baby begins to be more comfortable.
- Baby needs more frequent rest periods, or becomes cranky but unable to rest without adequate soothing measures from Mom or Dad.
- Baby may have sensitivities to temperature , the nipple of bottle or breast, early food issues, as well as issues with texture such as smooth versus rough.
- Baby may be sensitive to light and sound. Parents need to notice how the child reacts and attend to the child, finding what is helpful and soothing.
- Some babies who are born into insensitive environments will shut down and do not respond. This is how the baby protects her/himself. The baby may appear to have little facial reaction and later in toddlerhood may be shy, whiny, and insecure in new surroundings. The toddler may be very demanding of parental attention in safe surroundings.
These are children who need predictability and reliable schedules. They need to know what to expect and feel prepared to handle themselves. Inside, these children often feel panicky and overwhelmed by the slightest change. And while I am not suggesting that they are catered to, I am saying that for the most part, the child feels better and stronger if their world is mostly predictable. When this is not possible, parents need to recognize that the child is not just being difficult, but actually is having a reaction to being unprepared.
This understanding from the parents helps the anxious child toward full and meaningful attachment.
Here are some boundaries that assist anxious children and improve attachment. Remember attachment is the ongoing process the child is involved in with the parents from the beginning of life. All the feelings, sounds and stresses in the mother’s environment affects the baby’s inner world. Baby begins the process of attachment in the womb. Then baby comes into the world and begins to respond to the parents.
The attachment process proceeds according to how the interaction goes with the parents. If the child is in pain, uncomfortable, and ignored, the child feels terror. This abandonment disrupts attachment. With anxious children the attachment cycle is very difficult for both the child and the parents. Boundaries and gentle, firm administrations are very soothing and helpful for most children and especially the anxious child.
- Regular meals and bedtime is important. As close to regular as possible. If meal time needs to be delayed, feed the child something. Because anxious children use more energy than their non-anxious companions, they need more frequent feedings.
- Bedtimes may be a battle because anxious children do not settle easily. A bedtime routine is very helpful. Example: Help the child prepare for bed by choosing pajamas that feel good to them. A warm bath, and a brief back or foot rub is a wonderful way of resting the child and allowing attachment to root. Babies love gentle rubs and may need gentle but firm touch. Soft music or sounds may be offered. A cool, not cold or hot bedroom temperature helps soothe the child. Use the child’s favorite blanket or toy to help the transition into sleep. If the child does not have a transitional item, create one for the child. Share a story book or a story from the day with the child. Some children like night lights and door open. Some want the reverse.
- Now that the sleep ritual is accomplished, hold to the boundary. The child goes to bed. The child needs to stay in their room. Water by the bedside is helpful. If the child has a frequent stuffy nose, talk to the doctor to see if something could help the child to be more comfortable.
- If the family or the child has had a very bad day or some unexpected event occurred, the child is going to need some debriefing time. By this I mean the child needs to talk this event through, or the child will worry and fret for a long time and not get to sleep.
- When setting a boundary, make the boundary simple for you to enforce in a loving manner. Depending on the age of the child, having the child pick up the toys, may mean picking up a section of toys, and you sit and relax and watch. If the child refuses, explain that the toys will not be available tomorrow morning if they are not put away this evening. This way when the child tests you, you can remove that section of toys, without leaving the child without playthings for next day. We want to teach, not bully. Whatever the child’s choice is, is accepted. But there is a consequence for that choice. If a child has had a very hard day, you can skip the usual pickup tasks and resume later. Discerning how the child is coping and helping the child to handle the anxiety by not overwhelming with boundaries that can not be moved for a good cause is counterproductive. Yes, children are manipulative and it is our job to make that discernment as well. Nevertheless, I know that I sometimes skip routines when I am very upset. I’m sure you do as well, so we need to apply the same tincture to our children.
- The one most important thing to remember is you, the parents are in charge, no matter how disruptive and demanding the child may be performing. You really are the one with the power in the family and because you are, you use this power with gentle, intelligent consideration.
I hope you find some of this information helpful and I welcome your questions and your feedback. My office number is : 1-269-382-5343.
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Articles by Sharon Cipriano-Galbreath, MA, LLP
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